The 4 S’s in Resolving Emotional Problems in Relationships

Men, have you ever tried to explain to your spouse why she should not be as upset over a problem as she is?  Even though you may be right, and your logic sound, has your explanation ever caused her to get even angrier than she is and push you away?


As men, we often respond to emotional problems logically – thinking that if the problem is solved, there is no need to be upset by it.  However, when our spouse is experiencing a problem at an emotional level, responding logically is like getting on the right bus, going the wrong direction.  You think you have done the right thing, but in fact have missed it entirely.


Before we can fix an emotion problem logically (which is extremely difficult to do because of the way the brain works) we need to address the problem emotionally.  For those of you who just furrowed your brow in confusion, let me give you a way to remember some helpful hints in how to resolve emotional problems within relationships.


The 4 S’s


An easy way to help your wife when she begins to erupt emotionally is to remember the 4 S’s: create safety and security, provide support, and lessen stress.




When women don’t feel physically or emotionally safe, they feel anxious and their brain tells them not to trust and they must fight back, push away, or escape to prevent getting hurt.  In this moment, it is not helpful for men to joke with their wives or be sarcastic.  Their best bet is to listen, be understanding, and help their wives feel physically and emotionally safe.  This also applies to helping wives feel that their children are physically and emotionally safe as well.




Women want to know that they will not only have their needs met today, but that their needs will be met tomorrow as well.  When a wife is not sure if the mortgage, phone, or heat bill is going to be paid this month, she likely feels a sense of insecurity.  Because so much of her life is connected to and dependent upon her husband,…

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